Lonely at the Top

As I coach executives, I often hear comments such as:

• “I work hard and play hard.”
• “I’ll sleep when I die.”
• “There’s really no one else that can think strategically like I do.”
• “If I don’t worry about the business, who will?”

Many hard-working executives put in 12-15 hour days and weekends too. They’re always connected to work whether at their child’s soccer game, at a party with their spouse, or on vacation. They may exercise regularly, yet the workouts are just as intense as their daily jobs.

After the workday is done and they finally arrive home, the kids have already eaten and gone to bed, and the spouse is out with friends. It’s time to then pop open a cold beer or pour a cocktail, and flop down on the sofa. Pulling out the smartphone or blackberry, they check for any late-breaking emails before starting the process all over again in the morning.

At a certain point, however, these executives often become aware of a gnawing sense of isolation and disconnect in their lives. The family seems to have a life that doesn’t include them. Always multi-tasking, they are constantly juggling both personal and professional responsibilities never feeling complete or at peace. Especially for some of the female executives, when they’re at work, they’re thinking about home; and when they’re at home, they’re thinking about work.

Because of the many demands on their time, these executives often have lost touch with their friends. While other employees may have work friends with whom they can socialize and vent their frustrations with, it’s often more difficult for the ‘boss’ to do that easily. Executives often comment that they have to be careful what they say around the rank-and-file employees as some off-hand remark may be misconstrued. They don’t want to appear vulnerable or let others perceive a ‘chink in the armor’ lest the employees lose confidence in management and the company.

So, as a result, some leaders get seduced into working even harder—isolating themselves and withdrawing from their family and friends even more—particularly during the times of high stress when they need support the most. They remain alone with their problems, often unable to discuss them with a spouse who “doesn’t understand” or friends who “don’t need to be bothered.”

Yet, research has shown that our families and our social relationships are most valuable when we are facing a challenge. By opening up and allowing others to provide a different perspective, this can often be just the catalyst needed to solve a difficult problem and provide the motivation to take action.

With the mistaken belief that asking for help is a sign of weakness, leaders often believe that they have to be ‘tough’ and ‘go it alone.’ They often miss out on the valuable support that others can provide. Worried about what others may think, executives often turn to coaches who can provide a non-judgmental sounding board and offer a new perspective on issues or problems that they face.

Yet one of the key elements of well-being in one’s life, whether you’re at the top of an organization or on the front line, is to have a strong set of relationships in your life. Though it may sound trite, we all need people to care about and who care about us. Developing those relationships takes intention. Just as you make time for the important things in life, it’s important to make time to strengthen those relationships.

So go ahead, call that old friend that you haven’t talked to in a while and get together for lunch. Turn the phone off for an afternoon and go hiking with the family. With each different experience, you may just discover a new insight that will not only help relieve the stress and isolation, but it may even help address the management issue or dilemma that you are struggling with. These deposits into the ‘emotional bank accounts’ with our friends and family can pay huge dividends when confronted with a crisis in our lives. The investment begins now!