Love Yourself

When facing a life challenge—such as losing a job, not getting into a particular school, or experiencing a separation or divorce—one of the most difficult things is to maintain one’s self-esteem and self-confidence. It often seems that we’re surrounded by subtle (and not-so-subtle) messages that we’re not as smart, not as attractive, or not as ‘good’ as others. Those messages from bosses, teachers, family members, and the media tell us that we can perform better, look better, feel better, and achieve more if we just try harder.

Our feelings of inadequacy and insecurity are reinforced with a lot of negative self-talk:

• “I’m not a good enough parent because I’m at work all day and don’t spend enough time with my children.”
• “I’m not diligent enough at work because I didn’t find the error in the proposal.”
• “I’m not athletic enough because I didn’t get selected for the team.”
• “I’m not sexy enough because I’m not as young and skinny as the models in the magazine.”

Those of us high achievers, who are rarely satisfied with status quo, are often hardest on ourselves. We often become impatient and beat ourselves up when our own high expectations are not met. We may brood about what went wrong and play over and over in our minds how we should have done better.

In the workplace, the well-honed skill of critical thinking that has made us successful in our careers is the very same quality that can often lead to this feeling of inadequacy and dissatisfaction. We forget to enjoy the simple pleasures of life and often lack compassion for ourselves and others. We demand perfection and are hard on ourselves for not making the right hiring decision or not anticipating a problem before it blew up. This lack of compassion often pervades the workplace and undermines our well-being.

So how do we deal with life’s imperfections and reduce the unnecessary suffering that we experience? First, as Dr. Brene Brown discusses in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, we need to demonstrate self-compassion. Just as we nurture and encourage a young child who is learning something new or is struggling to succeed at school or at a new sport, we can learn to be patient and more accepting of the present moment. When confronted with a new challenge, we can take the time to learn and understand, and ask for help if necessary.

It’s also important to focus on the positives instead of dwelling on the negatives. It is natural for our brains to hang on to the negative experiences and forget the positive ones. How many times have we been in a performance review and the supervisor has said 9 positive things, but all we remember is the one negative comment? How can we learn to accept ourselves as we are, and let go of the negative thoughts that weigh us down?

I believe that by helping others to succeed, we succeed ourselves. By supporting others—congratulating them on their achievements and celebrating their victories—we build our own spirits as well. Putting a smile on someone’s face is contagious. This doesn’t mean to be insincere or use false flattery. (People see through that instantly.) We can serve others by focusing on their strengths and acknowledging their accomplishments. This increases their self-esteem and often leads to higher performance.

Most importantly, we can learn to forgive ourselves. Whether we’ve made a mistake or said the wrong thing, we can let go of the guilt and the blame and move forward. My suggestion is: Be kind to yourself. You are worthy of love and respect. Talk to a caring friend, family member, or spiritual guide who reminds you of your goodness. Your self-compassion and caring about others is key to your overall health and well-being.

In the words of the blues singer, Keb’ Mo’: “If nobody loves you and you’re feeling like dust on an empty shelf, just remember, you can love yourself.”