In Arianna Huffington’s new book, Thrive, she shares her life lessons of balancing a demanding career and family. Her push for well-being as the “Third Metric” of success — beyond money and power — is capturing the spirit of a new generation of women. As we approach Mother’s Day, I have reflected on my own life decisions and would like to share a wish for all those women who struggle with balance in their lives.
As a high-achieving young woman of the 60’s/70’s feminist movement, I always knew that my life would include both a career and a family. I believed that I could juggle a full-time career (with long hours and frequent travel), raise two children, nurture a loving relationship with my spouse, manage the family finances, and maintain the home at the same time. I fully expected my life to also include close friends, lots of recreational activities, and to be a devoted support for aging parents.
So, I learned to be the ‘queen’ of delegation and a master of multi-tasking. I was fortunate to have a supportive husband who would cook dinner, and, when the children were young, we hired a series of nannies to help chauffeur the kids to after-school activities and handle the daily cleaning chores. As a good mother, I managed to attend every back-to-school night, swim meet, soccer game and basketball competition. I planned the family vacations, tended to doctor visits, and ensured that my children received the best educational support possible…all while climbing the corporate ladder.
What I didn’t expect, however, was the level of guilt along the way. At work, I thought that I should be home more; at home, I felt that I needed to be more visible at work. Racing from the office at 5:30 p.m. so that my kids wouldn’t be the last ones picked up at daycare, or sending a not-quite-well child to school because I had a big meeting, I often made decisions that tested my values and questioned whether I was being the best mother that I could be.
As Michelle Obama said, “It’s always guilt-filled. Constant guilt surrounds working women and mothers no matter what you decide to do. No matter what decision you make at any point in time, you feel like you should be doing something more on the other end.”
Often, I wondered why my husband didn’t experience the same level of guilt? Even though we were both breadwinners, I still had the primary responsibility for the family. He was just ‘helping out.’ In fact, 2013 Pew Center research confirms that in dual-income households, mothers spend more time than their fathers on child care and housework.
I also remember being tired…a lot. After a full day at the office, evenings included cleaning dinner dishes, supervising homework, coordinating baths, etc. After checking emails, I would collapse into bed ready to repeat the same routine the next day.
As is often the case, the higher my corporate position rose, the more flexibility and control I gained over my schedule. But there were many trade-offs. Ever conscientious, I spent many weekends and vacations checking email, writing memos, and preparing for the week ahead.
When my high school daughter finally said to me, “I’m not going to sacrifice my life to the corporate world like you did,” I realized that something was amiss. While I loved both my work and my family, I realized that I had to slow down, learn to be more present, and simply enjoy the everyday pleasures of life.
Finally, a life-changing health event re-ordered my priorities, and I began to make some serious life changes. I left my executive position, focused on my health, and began my own coaching and consulting business. While my high-achieving tendencies are still hard-wired, I have consciously reduced the volume and intensity of my work to better enjoy my son’s wedding, get more sleep and exercise, and volunteer my expertise to others. I’m deeply grateful to have that freedom.
Claire Shipman and Katty Kay, in their book Womenomics, indicate that 78 percent of couples in the U.S. are dual-income earners, yet 63 percent of us believe we don’t have enough time for our spouses or partners and 74 percent say we don’t have enough time for our children. While we want to work, 87% of women would like a ‘better balance’ in their lives.
But we all have the same 24 hours in a day, and each person has to find her own way. We want a fulfilling career and to be respected for our accomplishments, but not at the expense of our families and our own well-being.
So how can we learn to slow down, and enjoy the abundance that life has to offer? As Arianna Huffington points out, we can re-define our notion of success. Getting to the corner office may not be all that it’s cracked up to be. Turn ‘inward,’ she says, to determine what you truly value and what will make your life most meaningful.
We can also start by letting go of the self-limiting belief that we’re not doing enough. Perfection is an unachievable goal. We must stop beating ourselves up! Our families will flourish with less stress and more love and acceptance on our part.
Whether your life involves kids, a significant other, aging parents, a cadre of dogs and cats–or all of the above–put down the smart phone and enjoy the moment! Even if just for a short while–stop doing and just be!
This is my Mother’s Day wish…
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